So how do you get out of this downward spiral?
如此恶性循环……怎么办呢?
It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.
其实，办法超级简单。当你惹别人生气了，甭管谁对谁错，先主动开口为自己的言行向对方道歉。至于你本意如何，以后再说，或者永远都别罗里吧嗦地解释，因为最后你的本意并不那么重要。
What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.
要是你觉得完全是对方做错了或有失偏颇呢?那也没什么大不了的。又不是非得意见完全一致，只要能相互理解就行了。
What should I have said to Eleanor?
那我该怎么跟埃莉诺解释?
"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."
“生气啦?等了半个钟头，很不开心吧?唉，我老让你这样等我，老是因为客户而耽误你，让你等我这么长时间，真心对不起啊。”
All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"
这么说也都句句属实，还能保证俩人关系和好如初。就像肯告诫我的那样：“如果人们觉得自己被忽视了，那还有什么理由相信这段关系呢?”
In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."
再看我前面提到的“邮件拉锯战”。与其不断强调你的本意，不如试着这样写：“我在邮件上指正你的表现显然让你感到不爽了。这些话带有批评意味，可能还抹煞了你在会议上的付出。”
I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.
我说这很简单，但并不表示这做起来很容易。
The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.
最难的就是我们会从情绪上产生抵触。我们总是专注于自己的挑战，常常忽略他人的困境——特别是当他人的困境就是由我们造成、我们又因此被激怒时，更难以承认。这时，如果我们认同对方的立场以及对方对我们的苛责，那就等于扇自己耳光了。
But we're not. We're just empathizing.
所以我们不会认同对方，而只会一味强调。
Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.
下面这个方法可以让事情变简单一点。当对方向你发火时，试着想象他是在向其他人发火，然后你设身处地体会一下，或许你会倾听并发现双方真的很生气啊。
And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.
要是一直没机会解释你的本意呢?事实上，我意外地发现，一旦我理解了结果造成的麻烦，也就不再想去解释我本意如何如何了。
That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.
原因在于，我一开始急于解释本意不外是为了弥补俩人关系，但通过站在对方立场考虑，我不已经达到这个目的了嘛?如此一来，俩人也都尽释前嫌了。
And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.
要是你还想作出解释呢?那么，机会也还是有的——只要对方看上去已经明白并理解你的处境。
If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.
如果我们能做好这一点，不仅人际关系会变好，我们的言行也会渐渐改变呢。
After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.
自从上次跟埃莉诺争执后，我切身体会到了自己的迟到给她带来的麻烦，正因如此，不知不觉间，我竟变得越来越准时了!
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