英语小笑话15篇（必备）
英语小笑话1
Draw tree
The kindergarten held a tree planting day painting competition, and I wrote a big "tree" word on the blackboard to let children play freely.
When the painting was handed in, I saw a picture that was amazing. The tree trunk was yellow and the trees were full of golden fruit. It was novel and unique in color.
I immediately praised, said: "Xiaoqiang is great, you can tell the teacher, what is the fruit on it, this is a tree?""
Xiaoqiang stood up and shouted in reply: "the tree is covered with coins and gold ingots, this is my father bought the lottery yesterday, taught me to draw the shake Qian Shu."!"
画 树
幼儿园举办植树节绘画比赛，我在黑板上写了个大大的“树”字，让小朋友们自由发挥。
绘画作品交上来后，我看到一幅画非常惊叹，树干是黄色的，树上结的全是金光闪闪的果子，创作新颖，颜色独特。
我马上表扬说：“小强真棒，你能告诉老师这上面结的是什么果子，这是一棵什么树吗？”
小强站起身，大声回答：“树上结的'是铜钱和金元宝，这是我爸昨天买彩票时，教我画的摇钱树！”
Insult
Man: "I'm full of you."......"
Woman: "I think you have a lot of shit in your head."!"
Man: I don't allow you to insult yourself like this!"
侮 辱
男：“我满脑子装的都是你……”
女：“我看你脑子里装的都是屎吧！”
男：“我不允许你这样侮辱你自己！”
英语小笑话2
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的.身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮!一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包!”
我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”!
英语小笑话3
My husband was showing a box of his baby things，which had been saved for him by his mother to our five-year-old son. He took out a pair of bronzed baby shoes
mounted with an ashtray between them.”Oh, look,Chris,"he said. "These are Daddy's first walking shoes.“
一次，我丈夫拿出一个盒子给我们五岁的儿子看。这个盒子是由他母亲替他收藏的他儿时的`用品盒。我丈夫从盒子里取出一双中间还夹有烟缸的古铜色的童鞋说:“噢，克瑞斯，你看，这就是爸爸学走步时穿的鞋。”
Chris stared in amazement. "Daddy,"he said，”I don't see how you ever learned to walk with that ashtray stuck between your feet.”
克瑞斯吃惊地望着那双鞋，“爸爸，”他说:“我怎么就不知道你还学过两脚夹烟灰缸走路呢。”
英语小笑话4
1.A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table
一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭
the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".
妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗?”丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”
2.A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .
一位男子来到医生的办公室。“医生，每次我喝咖啡，我的右眼都有刺痛感。您说我该怎么办？”他问道。
"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.
“把勺子从咖啡杯里拿出来。”医生回答说。
3.To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project.
为避免我们的狗，莱希，纠缠来访的客人，我母亲常在爱犬喜欢呆的地方，即餐桌下面，摩昵它。一天，一个建筑商来谈居室装潢工程。
As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet.
在这人和我母亲坐在餐桌边谈居室的修茸时，我母亲滑脱了她的鞋子，开始不经意地用脚摩蹭起莱希来。
My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.
谈话进行了半个小时的时候，我母亲突然感到很不好意思起来，因为这时她听到了莱希在前门外的犬吠声。
4.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金发女郎正走在公园里。
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird
. 突然，黑人女人发现了一只死去的小鸟。
"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
“哦!看这只死去的小鸟。”她悲伤地说。
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
金发女郎停下了脚步，她抬头望着天空，问道：“哪，在那?”
5.The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了?”
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
6. A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."
有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。“我不明白，”法官说，“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”丈夫解释道：“嗯，你是知道的，我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”
7."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
8.Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。
Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.姐姐的`男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。
Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。
9.s a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么?” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”
10.Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢?
Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。
英语小笑话5
Warning SeveralweeksafteroursonbeganhisfreshmanyearatAlmaCollegeinMichigan,myhusbandandIdecidedtovisithim.Iwascarefultocallhimafewdaysinadvanceto"warn"himthatwewouldbecoming.Whenwearrivedatthedorm,however,Iwastakenabackbythedisarrayofhisroom."Forgotwewerecoming,didn‘tyou?"Iteased.
"Areyoukidding?"hereplied,"WhyelsewouldIhavebotheredtoclean?"
提醒
我们的儿子是密歇根州阿尔马大学的`新生，开学几个星期之后，我和丈夫决定去看看他。我特意提前给他打电话，“提醒”他我们将光临。但是当我们来到宿舍时，他的房间凌乱不堪，我非常吃惊。“忘了我们要来，是吧?”我取笑他。“开什么玩笑?“，他回答说，“要不我凭什么费神打扫?
英语小笑话6
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业？”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元？”主任惊诧地问道。
“没有，”这位申请人回答道，“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”
英语小笑话7
I worked as a mailman for a short time. However, I am afraid of dogs and I had a lot of trouble.
One day I tried to deliver some letters to a big house. I started to open the gate and all of a sudden a huge dog ran towards me.It growled and barked at me, I threw the letters over the fence. The dog picked them up and carried them into the house. The dog was a better mailman than I was!
我当过很短时间的`邮递员。然而，我害怕狗，而且也有过不少麻烦。
有一天，我设法到一座大房子去递送几封信。我开始打开门，这时，突然一只很大的狗朝我跑来。它朝我嚎叫、咆哮着，因此我把信件扔在了栅栏上。那只狗拾起那些信件，把信件带进了大房子。比起我来讲，那只狗是个更好的邮递员。
英语小笑话8
Put your feet in把脚放进去
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”
英语小笑话9
a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."
一位医生走进医院的病房，告诉强森先生：“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。”
then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."
强森先生说：“请先告诉我好消息吧!”
so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."
医生说：“本院的医师决定用你的.名字，来为一种不治之症命名。”
英语小笑话10
When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."
由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来，我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的'，他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。
他还说，如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费，让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。
当时我真的被他的话感动了，就问他：“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么？”
“事实上，这就是我们老板的主意，”雇员答道：“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”
英语小笑话11
A Present 凯特的.礼物
Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, Honey, what?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.
凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?
妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀?
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
英语小笑话12
Lucky Mother 幸运的母亲
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?
一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，露茜，当我象你一样小的.时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗?
英语小笑话13
I Will Not Take a Bath I will not take a bath, I won’t get in tub, I has bath last week. I don’t need another scrub. I would need my rubber ducky, a bucket and a boat, my toy whale, a submarine, a rubber ball. No, I can not take a bath. The tub is too small. It’s all filled up with toy. There’s no room for me.
英语小笑话14
Some businessmen were talking about advertising on tv excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view。
At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement。
"What are you talking about?" Mr. Grey asked。
"Does advertisement work or not?" one of the businessmen asked。
"Oh, yes, it works very fast," Mr. Grey said. " I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $100."
"Did you get the dog back?"
"No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen."
一群商人正热烈地讨论在电视上做广告。他们中没有人做过，所以每个人都有自己的.想法。
此时，格雷先生进来了。格雷是一个汽车经销商，他曾经做过一次广告。
“你们在讨论什么?”格雷先生问。
“广告有用不?”其中一位商人问。
“噢，有用，而且见效非常快。”格雷先生说，“我曾经发布了一条广告，要花100美金寻找一条丢失的看门狗。”
“你的狗找到了吗?”
“没，但是那个晚上我的三辆车被偷走了。”
英语小笑话15
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."
Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"
The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus(无知的人) failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”
"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的'陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，因此你要马上敬100个礼。”
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎么啦?”
中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他马上向我敬一百个礼。”
将军笑着说：“完全正确。不过，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊!”
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