英语小笑话

[精华]英语小笑话

英语小笑话1

　　One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas.

　　When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

　　He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

　　He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a magazine.

　　She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone.

　　He looked at her, bewildered(困惑的), and asked, "What happened here today?"

　　She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."

　　"Yes," was his reply.

　　She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"

　　一天，一个人下班回到家，发现屋子外面一片狼籍。孩子们还穿着睡衣，满身是泥地躺在外面。

　　打开房门，他发现屋子里面更乱。橱柜上堆着盘子，地上散落着狗食，桌子下面有一只打碎的玻璃杯，后门旁还有一堆沙子。家庭娱乐室里堆满了玩具，还有一盏灯翻倒在地上。

　　他迈过散落在楼梯上的玩具，上楼去找他的.妻子。他开始担心她生病了或是发生了什么可怕的事情。

　　他发现她还穿着睡衣躺在床上，在看一本杂志。

　　她抬头看到他，笑着问他今天过得怎么样。

　　他看着她，困惑地问：“今天发生什么事情了?”

　　她笑着问道：“你每天下班回家都会问我今天做什么了。”

　　“没错啊，”他说。

　　她说：“是这样的，今天，我没做什么!”

英语小笑话2

　　She was so excited and anxious to tell him. She said, "I've bought two presents for your birthday, dear. I would tell you now because I can't wait until that day. One present is a mat to put in front of my dressing table. Another one is a bronze statuette(小雕像) for the drawing room mantelpiece." And then she added: "Now me?"

　　Her husband thought for a while and then replied: "I'd better get you a new razor and some ties, so that we may exchange presents with each other."

　　有个女人给她的丈夫买了生日礼物。

　　她很激动，并且急于要告诉她的丈夫。她说：“亲爱的，我买了两样东西给你做生日礼物。我现在就要告诉你，因为我等不得到那一天才说。一件礼物是一个地垫，可以放在我的梳妆台前。另一件是一个青铜的小雕像，可以放在客厅的`壁炉架上”她还说：“好啦，你准备给我买什么呢?”

　　她的丈夫想了一会就说：“我最好是给你买一个刮胡刀和几条领带。这样我们就可以互相交换礼物了。”

英语小笑话3

　　Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？

　　Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

　　Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

　　Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

　　体育老师：孩子们，你们见过男女混合双打吗？

　　尼克：见过，老师，经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢！

　　老师：那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

　　尼克：啊，对不起，老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”

英语小笑话4

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

　　"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　译文：

　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

　　“昨天给你的'钱干什么了？”

　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。

　　“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。

　　“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”

　　“她是个卖糖果的。”

英语小笑话5

　　Back Up Two Miles

　　A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn .

　　"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.

　　"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.

　　退后两英里

　　一位农夫和他的儿子乘坐轻便马车来到一段窄路，他们遇到一个开车的人向相反的方向去。两个方向的'两英里以内都没有地方可以使他们相擦而过。驾车人甚是着急，按响了喇叭。 “如果你不后退，”农夫说着撸起了袖子，“我可不喜欢我将不得不做的事。”司机吃惊不小，挂上倒挡，向后退了两英里，让轻便马车先过去。

　　“刚才在那儿你说过的你不喜欢要做的事是什么?”农夫的儿子问道。

　　“退后两英里，”农夫回答道。

英语小笑话6

　　miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. but this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. while miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

　　麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的.时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。

　　"hello, miles," the manager said. "i see that you are having your hair cut in office time."

　　"你好，麦尔斯，"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"

　　"yes, sir, i am," admitted miles calmly. "you see, sir, it grows in office time."

　　"是的，先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。"

　　"not all of it," said the manager at once. "some of it grows in your own time."

　　"不全都是吧，"经理立刻说，"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"

　　"yes, sir, that's quite true." answered miles politely, "but i'm not having it all cut off."

　　"对呀，先生，你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"

英语小笑话7

　　Walking to work one day, my husband was hit by a car. It was a minor accident and the driver apologized，adding; "You certainly are lucky. We're right next to a doctor's office."

　　"I don't know how lucky that is ,"my husband replied."I' m the doctor. "

英语小笑话8

　　My husband was showing a box of his baby things，which had been saved for him by his mother to our five-year-old son. He took out a pair of bronzed baby shoes

　　mounted with an ashtray between them.”Oh, look,Chris,"he said. "These are Daddy's first walking shoes.“

　　一次，我丈夫拿出一个盒子给我们五岁的儿子看。这个盒子是由他母亲替他收藏的他儿时的.用品盒。我丈夫从盒子里取出一双中间还夹有烟缸的古铜色的童鞋说:“噢，克瑞斯，你看，这就是爸爸学走步时穿的鞋。”

　　Chris stared in amazement. "Daddy,"he said，”I don't see how you ever learned to walk with that ashtray stuck between your feet.”

　　克瑞斯吃惊地望着那双鞋，“爸爸，”他说:“我怎么就不知道你还学过两脚夹烟灰缸走路呢。”

英语小笑话9

　　who was the first man? 谁是世界上第一个男人

　　a teacher said to her class:”who was the first man?”

　　一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”

　　“george washington,” a little boy shouted promptly.

　　一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”

　　“how do you make out that george washington was the first man?”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently.

　　老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”

　　“because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”

　　这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的.人。”

英语小笑话10

　　"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

　　The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

　　The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

　　"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"

　　法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"

　　被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"

英语小笑话11

　　A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him. The lieutenant said sternly, "You did not salute me. For this you must immediately salute one hundred times."

　　Just then the general came up. When he saw the poor private about to begin, he exclaimed, "What's all this?"

　　The lieutenant explained, "This ignoramus(无知的人) failed to salute me. I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment.”

　　"Quite right," replied the general smiling, "But do not forget, sir, that upon each occasion you are to salute return."

　　有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的.陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，因此你要马上敬100个礼。”

　　这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎么啦?”

　　中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他马上向我敬一百个礼。”

　　将军笑着说：“完全正确。不过，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊!”

英语小笑话12

　　1.A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table

　　一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭

　　the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

　　妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗?”丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”

　　2.A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .

　　一位男子来到医生的办公室。“医生，每次我喝咖啡，我的右眼都有刺痛感。您说我该怎么办？”他问道。

　　"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.

　　“把勺子从咖啡杯里拿出来。”医生回答说。

　　3.To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project.

　　为避免我们的狗，莱希，纠缠来访的客人，我母亲常在爱犬喜欢呆的地方，即餐桌下面，摩昵它。一天，一个建筑商来谈居室装潢工程。

　　As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet.

　　在这人和我母亲坐在餐桌边谈居室的修茸时，我母亲滑脱了她的鞋子，开始不经意地用脚摩蹭起莱希来。

　　My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

　　谈话进行了半个小时的时候，我母亲突然感到很不好意思起来，因为这时她听到了莱希在前门外的犬吠声。

　　4.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

　　一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金发女郎正走在公园里。

　　Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird

　　. 突然，黑人女人发现了一只死去的小鸟。

　　"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

　　“哦!看这只死去的小鸟。”她悲伤地说。

　　The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

　　金发女郎停下了脚步，她抬头望着天空，问道：“哪，在那?”

　　5.The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"教进化论的'老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了?”

　　"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

　　“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

　　6. A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

　　有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。“我不明白，”法官说，“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”丈夫解释道：“嗯，你是知道的，我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”

　　7."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

　　“你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”

　　8.Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。

　　Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.姐姐的男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。

　　Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。

　　9.s a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

　　一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么?” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”

　　10.Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?

　　年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢?

　　Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

　　年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。

英语小笑话13

　　幸运的母亲

　　A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

　　一位年轻的'母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。

　　Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

　　母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我像你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”

　　Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"

　　露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗?”

英语小笑话14

　　excuse for speeding

　　赶紧到达那里

　　harry and lloyd were speeding down the road. a police car pulled them over.

　　哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。

　　"why on earth were you driving so fast?" the policeman yelled.

　　“你们为什么开那么快?”警官喊道。

　　"our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!

　　“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”

英语小笑话15

　　erry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

　　杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的`时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

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